The Big Picture...

I have been journaling to Madeline since my pregnancy...partially for her so she can look back on it and know in how much love she was created and raised, and partially for myself so I can remember this precious time, which does go by so fast! I don't want to sound morbid, but in the back of my mind I can't help but think that if I don't live to see Maddie grow up that she will still know me through my letters to her. So I write about life, marriage, her, her father, and so on...I was writing my latest entry today that ended up convicting me...so I thought I would share...

Dearest Darling Madeline,

You are currently screaming your lungs out in your crib. All I want to do is run in there and rock you to sleep, but I know that the second I put you down you will wake up again wanting more. It is so hard for me as your mommy to let you cry, but I know that right now this is what is best for you. You already know, at seven months of age, that if you cry hard enough and long enough that I will come and there will not be a nap. The problem is, love, that you need this nap more than you know. So here I am and there you are...

I know that this is such a small example of "tough love" but it's only the beginning. Maddie-I don't know when you will be old enough to understand this, but there will be many times in your life when your father and I will make decisions that seem cruel and unfair in the moment...but in hindsight will be crucial in forming your character and who God wants you to be. Imagine if mommy and daddy said "yes" to everything you wanted! You would be a 200 pound five year old running into walls and kicking people in the shins all day long. I'm sure you will be furious with us and possibly (no, probably) even say hurtful things...and that will be so hard for us. In case you will ever wonder, I can tell you right now, in the moment, we will struggle with wanting to make you happy. Even now, at seven months old, you will cry if I take away something small that you "found" that might choke you. When you cry, I automatically question myself. Your cries are already heartbreaking to me. I can't imagine how much more difficult it will be when you find words...

As I write this, I am struck with my own life and my relationship with God. Many times I haven't understood how He could close certain doors or chapters in my life. Many times I have been upset with Him for taking away seemingly "perfect" opportunities. I haven't been able to see beyond my own desires and circumstances. But our God is an all knowing God. He sees the big picture. He knows that there is a lesson to be learned in hearing "no" or "not right now." He knows which doors I need to walk through and which ones I need to have slammed in my face in ordre to become more like Him...who He wants me to be....who He wants us to be. I wonder how heartbreaking it is for God when I shake my fist at Him, or say hurtful things to Him? Wow. Mommy is learning a lot from watching your life, my little one...

So, my darling daughter, you are finally peacefully asleep in your crib. All I wanted to do, in my moment of weakness, is take you in my arms and rock you to sleep. But mommy is trying to see the bigger picture...

Mommy